Warning: long read..
How long has it been since this “cold war” began? How long has it been since the entire world was shut down? To be honest, I lost track of time as this has been my new norm since the day the battle began..
A few weeks ago when the lockdown was extended as the number of casualties of this deadly disease continued- and still is continuing to rise, my husband (who’s also in the frontline) asked me what our contingency plan would be if one or both of us get infected..For a moment I felt my heart stopped beating. That question struck me like a bolt of lightning. I was left dumbfounded as I didn’t know what to answer.. Then it dawned on me.. “So, this is it.. reality is eminent.. reality is coming to us.” I trembled in fear.. Rather than think of a strategic plan, questions began flooding inside my head: How am i going to see my family, most especially my baby? How long would it be til i can see her again if I get infected? How can i protect her while I’m not there beside her? What if he gets infected? What if the worse happens? I became paranoid. I cried and I was angry. I was mad at him for asking that question.. but He said this is our reality and we must be prepared to face it.. I muttered, “I know, I know..”😢
Ever since that day, whenever I leave home and go to work, though it frightens me, I’ve set my mind to prepare for the worse as this unprecedented crisis becomes more daunting..I have to. There’s no other way.
When I took an oath some two decades back, I knew and I’ve learned to embrace the challenges and the risks this job entailed. Fear and anxiety have always been part of it yet I’ve always managed to overcome them. But it’s different this time. The uncertainties this pandemic has brought us truly tested my grit, for never in my whole nursing career have I felt this fragile, so unsafe, and powerless, even now that more tasks and responsibilities have been added to my role as our institution prepares for the surge. And much more when I think about my family.
The other day, while i was playing with my barely 3 year old girl, she caught me by surprise and said that she’s going to make a heart for me and told me not to lose her heart. She just learned how to make a heart shape with her hands. 😌 She went on to say that she’ll carry the heart I made for her to school as soon as it opens. I was planning to send her to preschool this spring but that didn’t happen..😔 Young as she is, she knows what’s happening. I’ve been telling her and making her understand why we can’t go out and play in the playground. My heart is heavy because I felt helpless knowing that because of this pandemic, she has missed a lot of opportunities to explore her little world beyond the four walls of our house. But this is only temporary and there’s no other safe place she could ever be than in the shelter of our home.
My plight isn’t any different from anybody. We’re all in the same boat but I’m sharing my story along with many of my colleagues to help others who are feeling impatient to end the only logical thing we could do right now to protect ourselves and others -stay at home- understand that they are not alone in this struggle. We’re all suffering, but it is disheartening and terrifying to see these protests in the streets. 😔 Many regions including mine have yet to see the surge of covid19 cases. Now is not the time to let our guards down. I am distraught and weary but I continue to pray for peace and solidarity for all of us.
In the face of this unfathomable crisis, we lean on you God Almighty Father who is our stronghold, our refuge, and our salvation. Let not our fear overcome our confidence in your love and mercy for us. May this great upheaval be a reminder for us to deepen our connection with You, who is ever-present in times of trouble. May our spiritual shield of faith, hope and trust in You be our constant protection as we continue to confront the unseen enemy in our midst. #godblessusall #fightcovid #togetherasone #faithhopelove #stayinstaysafe